1st Rule of Sticker Club: F*** Sticker Club!

Dear Parents,

I am writing to you with an urgent plea. Please, we must band together for the good of humanity and put an end to the evil “Sticker Club” chain letter.

Do you know it? It gleefully welcomes you to the so-called “club”, then tells you that if you fail to comply with its demands, children will die.

Okay, it doesn’t exactly say they will die, but it strongly implies that you should be deeply ashamed for even thinking about blowing off the tedious task of buying stickers, photocopying letters, filling in blanks, stuffing envelopes, hunting down physical adresses and subjecting others to the same misery. For if you don't, you will (gasp) disappoint the children who whined very hard to participate, but more importantly, you'll anger the parents who abandoned their own needs in order to execute this useless drudgery for fear that thier children might never understand true joy if they fail to provide them with the transcendent experience of having stickers arrive by mail.

I just received the dreaded letter for THE THIRD TIME. If you’ve been unlucky enough to find it in your mailbox, I’m sure you know the harrowing feeling of dread this wicked parchment brings forth. That is because this letter was written by Satan himself. I am sure of it. Therefore, the only prudent thing to do is to stop the nefarious beast in its tracks.

I considered hijacking the letter. It occurred to me that maybe instead of furiously tearing it to pieces and setting it on fire I could instead transform it into something less malevolent. Something helpful, even. Here’s what I tried—

I was really excited about the new and improved letter. But then I realized that if you use money instead of stickers it’s a pyramid scheme. Though it might seem great to make $360 by spending only $10, the problem is that in a pyramid scheme, the people at the bottom of the pyramid get totally screwed. So it’s not a nice thing to do. Oh, and it’s also illegal.

So summon your courage, brave parents. Do not submit to the vile missive’s passive aggressive guilt trip. Your kid doesn’t need 36 packs of stickers. No child does. You know that stickers inevitably wind up stuck to furniture and require several hours of hard labor to remove. Also, if you have a toddler or pet, they’re likely to choke on them.

It’s not fair to the kids? No, it’s not fair to the parents. We must make it stop.

Cordially yours,

Mrs. Murphy

P.S.

Although I am a total spoilsport when it comes to chain letters, if you would like to mail me a sparkly vintage unicorn sticker like the one below, with no strings attached, I would not be offended.