Love My Kids, Hate Motherhood

I hate motherhood. There. I said it.

I hate cooking, I hate cleaning, I hate laundry, I hate messes, I hate noise, I hate having my sleep disrupted, I hate getting up at 5 am for the day, I hate conflict, I hate having my hair pulled, I hate wrestling kids into car seats, I hate prying them out of car seats, I hate my back aching as I wrestle and pry, I hate the tediousness, I hate the routines. And most of all, I hate being alone with all these responsibilities 50 hours a week while my husband works. (Side note: whatever happened to the 40 hour work week? Does anyone even do that any more?)

When I chose to become a mother, I didn't really know what I was in for. None of us do--it's impossible to comprehend until you’re in it. There were people who tried to warn me— I thought they had bad attitudes or were doing it wrong. Then there was the chorus of "It's really hard, but it's all WORTH IT!" I chose to believe that perspective. But you know what? I'm not sure it IS worth it. Before you declare me a monster and run screaming from this page, bare with me a moment as I dare to explore this unspeakable possibility.

Because truthfully, sometimes it is not worth it. When I've got a sleep deficit going on 4 years and my 17 month old has woken crying for the 7th time in a row for no apparent reason, it is so totally not worth anything. It's just torture. Literally. When the bad moments out-number the good, it's hard to not to wonder if procreation is simply a poor life choice. There are times I find myself thinking— wait, I did this voluntarily? Intentionally? What was I thinking?? I never liked babysitting, I should have known better. But I heard that it's different when it's your own.

And that is true. It is different. When it's your own, there is no escape. If you want a break you have to PAY for it and it's very expensive, not to mention somewhat traumatic. With your own, you have the added pleasure of postpartum hormonal mood swings. With your own, you also have the primal instinct to protect them at all costs, which if you're the least bit prone to anxiety, leads to worrying incessantly about every little thing that could potentially cause them harm. And yes, with your own you have pride and deep, abiding love. But does that really make up for all the rest? I've often felt the urge to warn the childless- don't do it! It's a trap!!

People say it’s worth it because they have to. Not just for fear of what other’s will think if they say otherwise, but because this parenthood thing- you can’t undo it. There is a fear that if we acknowledge the terrible truth we will drown in it.

But here's the thing about admitting something so deeply unpleasant- is the first step to being able to change it. If I try to ignore it and hope it goes away, it's just going to find sneaky, nefarious ways to control me and my emotions. Putting it out there places me in charge.

What if we DON'T drown in the terrible truth? What if we face it and are transformed by it? Well... that is my intention here.

Like I said before, you can't undo this parenthood thing. So you have to make the best of it. But I don't believe that blithely telling myself it is "worth it" is going to cut it. There is nothing wrong with believing it’s worth it, but the problem with that being the motto of motherhood is that it’s too simplistic— it sends the message that joy and appreciation will come automatically despite the struggles. And in my experience, that is not the case. Joy and appreciation are something you might have to work for.

I don't have a plan, exactly. My hope is that with a genuine commitment to honesty and growth, a good plan will emerge. I don't want to be miserable. I want to be able to see my children as a gift instead of a chore.

They say it takes 40 days to establish a new habit, so I'm going to commit to making this a focus for at least the next 40 days... if not the next 40 years.

I'm feeling more optimistic already. Though that could very well be just because my kids are asleep right now!

The true test will be tomorrow and the following days when they're awake.

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