How Not to Have Fun on Vacation with Kids in 10 Easy Steps

First of all, let’s just acknowledge that vacationing with kids is NOT a vacation. A friend of mine calls it an adventure. I’m not quite so optimistic- to me it’s more like a change of scenery or working on location.

For my husband’s birthday, I planned a getaway to San Diego. It was… a learning experience. Here’s how you can have your very own killer vacay (ie, vacation that kills your inner spark):

1. Stay for only one night.

That way, after you’ve endured to grueling process of packing, you get repack the VERY NEXT MORNING!

2. Underestimate your family’s snacking needs.

Then you can go through all the pirate booty, crackers, nuts, fruit and cheese sticks thirty minutes into the road trip and listen to everyone whine for the remaining 2 hours about how hungry they are.

3. Pack hastily.

Forget to bring pajamas for yourself and then have to wear your husband’s t-shirt for the next day and hope you're not a sweaty sleeper (reality check- you are). Grab a bathing suit out of your son’s drawer without checking the size because you’re so organized that there’s no chance it might be a hand-me-down from the neighbor that is two sizes too big and will look like clown pants. Forget to pack a swim diaper and just hope your baby doesn’t poop in the pool.

4. Don’t bring a floatation safety device for your 18th month old.

Assume they don’t exist, even though a quick Google search will prove otherwise, because then you might deprive yourself of the nerve wracking experience of chasing a toddler around a pool deck, hoping he doesn’t decide to dive in. Meanwhile, your 4-year-old can lean back in the bubbling hot tub, supported by her Coast Guard certified Puddle Jumper and sigh, “Ahhhh… this is SO relaxing.” She deserves it, she works hard.

5. Eat out for every meal.

The process of finding a restaurant, traveling to the restaurant, getting seated, ordering food and waiting for said food with a 4-year-old and an18-month-old is the epitome of UNFUN. Do it! Packing a cooler with some peanut butter sandwiches would save a lot of headache, but what’s a vacation without headache?

6. While eating out, allow your toddler to stand on a chair and entertain himself by plunging his arm into a glass of ice water.

He'll cry if you try to stop him, which would be loud and annoying to other customers, and if you take him for another walk outside you might miss the food arriving which would result in having to eat a cold burger and a mysteriously small portion of fries. Besides, kids love hanging out in cold, wet clothes and the slippery floor will make you a favorite with the waitstaff.

7. Be easily confused by Google maps.

Say you’re in charge of navigation— you're supposed to turn right, but there are three options in quick succession, the signs are unclear and it hard to tell which is the right one. Just say, "I don't know," let the driver choose and then get annoyed by how far off track the wrong choice takes you. This is likely to result in a good 20-30 minutes of arguing and angry tension which is un-fun for all!

8. Let your 4-year-old call the shots.

If you’re ready to eat, but she’s enjoying the pool, allow her 5 more minutes which will inevitably turn into 15, and don’t worry, getting out of bathing suits and into clothes will take just long enough to push you into hunger so deep and ravenous that your husband will be afraid to make eye contact. Lunch at 3 pm is fine, you can have ice cream at 5 and potato chips for dinner at 8.

9. Bring a parenting book along for leisure reading.

So when you have twenty minutes of down time as the kids happily play in the sand at the beach, you can fill your mind with images of other people’s children misbehaving and remind yourself that this peaceful moment will be short lived.

10. When the kids pass out on in the car, stop for ice cream.

They’ve already had enough sugar, but YOU haven’t and it’s been a whole hour since lunch. So what if the stop wakes them from their blissful slumber? Now you’ve got a caramel sundae that will make you feel sick in five minutes flat and you’ll be blessed by the sweet sounds of crying the rest of the way home.

There you have it. Bon voyage- may your adventure be stressful!