How to Get Your Family to Appreciate You

Julie Murphy
Apr 20, 2015
2 min read

Spoiler alert: it can’t be done. You can’t GET anyone to appreciate you. But you can help them to notice how valuable you are by appreciating yourself. I know, I know. Blah. But seriously. I think this could work.

My husband recently told me he didn’t feel appreciated, which inspired such an outrageous level of rage in me, I couldn’t understand it. Until I realized that I was angry because I FELT THE EXACT SAME WAY. He would contend that he shows his appreciation for me by helping out— making breakfast, putting away toys, getting up with the baby at night, etc. But the fact that this is considered “helping” implies that all these things are actually MY job. He helps me with my job and I’m supposed to be appreciative.

I should mention that both of us work, though I am a freelance writer and not currently making any money for my work. But that doesn’t mean I’m not working hard or that my work is not valuable or important. As parents, we are jointly responsible for the wellbeing of our children. So how does all the childcare fall on me, with him in the position to merely “help”? What kind of patriarchal BS is that?!?!

So I’m realizing that I actually get zero appreciation for all that I do all day, every day. It's just expected as part of "my job." The only things that get noticed are the things I fall behind on.

Then it occured to me- how can I expect him to apprecitate me if I don't appreciate myself? Have I been noticing and congratulating myslef for my daily efforts? Nope. In fact, I'm just as gulity as he is of focusing on all the things I DIDN'T get to, instead of the things I did. Thanks again, inner critic.

So I'm going to start appreciating myself. Every day, I'm going to say to myself, "WOW, THAT'S WAS FANTASTIC! YOU ROCK!" when I pick up the kids' toys or cook them meals or kiss thier noses. Becasue those things matter and I deserve appreciation. Luckily I'm in the position to give it to myself.