What is the Deal with Parental Instincts?

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George decides to do the OPPOSITE of what his instincts tell him, and the result is that his life is better than ever?

Parenting can be a lot like that.

Like when my 17 month old grabs my hair and won't let go, my instinct is to scream out, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?! OW! NO, MILES, NO! STOP IT!!" When I know that it's much more effective to quietly say, "Gentle, sweetie, show me how you do gentle. Hey- is that a doggie over there?"

(side note: my son has a freakishly strong grip. Exhibit A: here he is hanging on a windowsill BY HIS FINGERTIPS.

Now imagine those powerful digits pulling on the tiny hairs at the nape of your neck. OW.)

When my daughter is wailing because I won't let her watch another episode of Dinosaur Train, my instinct goes something like this: "SHUT UP! STOP CRYING! IF YOU DON'T STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW I'LL NEVER LET YOU WATCH TV AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" Well, I'm not proud to admit I've actually said something along those lines, and it only makes her cry harder.

Instincts, man- why you gotta be like that?

Sometimes, however, our instincts are right on. My toddler is about to run into the road-- without a conscious thought, my instincts take over and I'm racing after him to keep him out of danger. Thank you, instincts!

So how do we know what's a good instinct and what's bad one? And how can we keep ourselves from acting on the bad ones?

What I'm trying to do, is get into the habit of PAYING ATTENTION to my thoughts and noticing when my instincts are helping or hurting my best intentions.

There's a gap between the parent I want to be and the parent I am. I want to be a parent who refrains from yelling, shaming, blaming or otherwise punishing my children. I want to be a parent who uses positive reinforcement, acknowledges and validates my children's feelings and needs, asks for solutions, offers choices, uses connection, playfulness and redirection. Striving to be this person is a job on top of the job of merely keeping them alive. When I fall short of treating my children with the kindness and patience I know they deserve, I try to forgive myself (I'm only human!) But I also feel really crappy about it and I want to do better.

So I try to pay attention. And I've noticed it often happens when I've drifted off into some inner dialogue of a negative nature. For instance, if I've just checked Facebook and happened upon an article about the vaccination debate (so much anger and fear on both sides- ugh!) I'm much more likely to react badly if my daughter happens to spill her milk in that moment. Or if I'm thinking about my script, wondering when I'm going to hear back from that manager, starting feel anxious, wondering if my writing is good enough. If my son decides to empty a box of spaghetti on the floor in that moment, you can bet it's going to get ugly.

What can I do about that? I can't NOT look at Facebook, that would just be crazy. And I'd love to never experience self doubt or anxiety, but that's hardly realistic. But I CAN become more aware of my inner dialogue. And maybe at some point I'll be able to make a choice whether to act on my negative emotions, or to shift into some other BETTER instinct.

That's what mindfulness gives you the ability to do, I've heard. I'm somewhat new to it, but I've meditated on and off for years, and am trying now to be more mindful in my daily life.

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lays our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

This from a man who had to deal with the brutal stimulus of a Nazi concentration camp. If he could find a space in which to choose his response in that kind of circumstance, surely there is hope for me learning to cope better with a tantruming toddler.

Or... I could just do the opposite like George Costanza and see how that goes.

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